For the ones I love! Tiems, kuriuos myliu!

The most important people in my life, I am happy to have you! I am lucky to find you in my life, most of you by accidental coincidence choosing right directions. I know those were right directions because I met you and you have stayed in my life accepting me as I am, with all the good and all the bad. 
I appreciate you, everyone for me seems incredible personality. I show it to you, I trust you sharing not only the good and trying to make jokes but also I feel responsible to tell what makes me worried. I never require your attention I just want you to understand me more. You must know with whom you keep in touch for the both side trust.   

Friendship is about support and you have it. I cannot give you all my time and attention but I can give you moments of happiness that I always try to surround myself as well. Moments of warmth and sincerity. It doesn't mean that I will be smiley and easy with you all the time, no. It means I will never let myself to give you a fake smile because you deserve the real one. 

You know, if I love you it means I cannot pretend in front of you. It means you will see me unsatisfied, worried, doubtful, sarcastic, crazy, silent, demanding and seeking for perfection, even more of negative sides that I don't notice myself too much. This is who I am and if you love me I ask you to be patient with me in all those chaotic moments that I'm going through. In the end I will come back to you saying thank you for being my friend, the true and the magic one. But I know you all, to whom I write, are already like that and this is the reason I love you so much.

This love gives me strength, it gives me hope in good people and good decisions, I know I have my army and I am also a part of this to fight for the better world. Thanks for creating beauty together with me. Without you I wouldn't believe in miracles. Without you I wouldn't be the one who I am today. 

I love you being yourself. I feel calm knowing that you are going your own way that you have chosen. You are not only good, but you are the best! At least for me you are, so stay as you are as long as you like and enjoy being that way.

Žmonės, kuriuos myliu! Lietuviškai ir angliškai šis tekstas skamba kitaip, bet gimtiesiems mylimiesiems jaučiu pareigą gimtąją kalba ir parašyti. 

Visi kartu ir kiekvienas atskirai man esate ypatingi dėl tų visų stebuklingų momentų! Visur, kur keliauju, norėčiau susipakuoti jus kartu arba bent pasigamint kiekvieno kloną. Ką aš be jūsų daryčiau? Nebūčiau tokia, kokia šiandien esu tai jau tikrai, todėl esu dėkinga už kantrybę būnant mano mylimais žmonėmis ir mylint mane tokią, kokia esu, nes nepaisant tų gražių ir linksmų momentų, pati suvokiu tą savo sunkų charakterį, man ir pačiai su savimi nelengva. 

O su jumis man lengviau! Man gera žinoti, kad jūs laimingai gyvenat, gera žinoti, kad ieškot ir einat savo keliais, gera, kad dalinatės patirtimis, dalinat patarimus, pasitikit manimi. Aš jaučiuosi atsakinga daryti tą patį. O išties tai viskas gaunasi natūraliai - ypatingai lengva pasidalinti visais gerais dalykais ir pasistengt jus prajuokint ar pradžiugint. Atsakinga jaučiuosi tada, kai turiu pasakyti ką nors, kas man netaip jau ir patinka. Galėčiau nuslėpti visas bėdas, nes juk mes ne koks bėdų turgus, bet prisiverčiu ir pasidalinu, nes žinau, kad ir pati norėčiau to pačio iš jūsų. Žinau, kad padėsiu kuo tik galėsiu. Sunkiausi momentai tam ir duoti, kad pažintum tikrą draugą savo gyvenime. Bet ne visada mus lydi toji draugo nuojauta, nes gyvenimas labai chaotiškas, labai daug visko vyksta. Todėl noriu paprašyti, kad kai manęs ta nuojauta nelydi, nepamirštumėt, kad vis tiek man rūpite. Labai!
Laikas, kurį praleidau, praleidžiu ir dar praleisiu su jumis yra pats tikriausias, tuo metu jūs turite visą mano širdį be jokios vaidybos. Tie nuoširdžiausi momentai visada liks gyvi, nes juose dar iki dabar skamba juokas. 

Gera jūsų pasiilgti, gera planuoti mūsų pasimatymus, gera susirašyti. Aš ne viena, nes turiu jus - laiko ir patirčių patikrintus Žmones iš didžiosios raidės! Būkit savimi, būkit tokiais, kokias tik norite būti, nesislėpkit po jokiais visuomenės standartais (o jūs tokie ir esat) - dėl to aš jumis žaviuosi, juk dėl to aš jus ir myliu. Mikė sakė, kad šis žodis ne rašomas, o jaučiamas, tai aš tada dvigubai: jaučiu tai, ką rašau. 

   

blevyzgos

Man taip visad ir atrodo, kad nieko rimto, nieko doro aš čia neparašau, tik blevyzgoju...

Moters diena man niekad nebuvo svarbi, nes nesuvokiau ir nesuvokiu jos koncepcijos. Kai buvau vaikas, tai man net neįdomu buvo, nes niekas manęs nesveikino. Kai buvau paauglė, tai buvo smagu tądien gaut gėlių nuo vaikinų ir reikėjo kovot prieš šeimos vyrus, kad 'ei aš jau ne be vaikas, mane irgi sveikint reikia'. Ir dabar man dar kažkaip tas moteriškumas atrodo tokia didelė paslaptis... Gal tik tiek, jog noras būti princese pavirsta į norą būti vertinamai, pastebėtai ir turėt priežatį šypsotis. Daryti tai, ką nori, tai ką jauti, ir viskas. Nesiaiškinti niekam dėl savo veiksmų, būti laisvai artimiausiu žmonių pasitikėjimu, suprastai ir sulaukt palaikymo. Visa galia slypi asmenybės žavesy. 

Jeigu manęs paklaustų, kas mano autoritetai, tai... juoktųsi turbūt, aš pati juokiuosi - Audrey. Beyonce ir Pepė. Jomis aš žaviuosi. Idėjomis ir ypatybėmis. Užsispyrimu pasiekti savo. Savo - tai ko alksta. 

Audrey asmenybės spalvingumas juodai baltam ekrane. Kam prisitaikyti? Kiekvienas turi savo stilių, kai tu jį surandi, būk savimi. Breakfast at Tiffany's mane privertė ją įsimylėt. Ne ją, bet sugebėjimą perkūnyti: moterišką neapsisprendimą; kovą su savimi ir galiausiai pasiduoti sugebėjimui klausyti savo širdies; perlipti principus ir parodytį rūpestį; neduoti vardo katinui tuo pačiu duodant jam vardą; sugebėjimą pamesti ir sugebėjimą surasti. Ją aš galėčiau cituoti, cituoti ir dar kartą cituoti. 

*I never think of myself as an icon. What is in other people's minds is not in my mind. I just do my thing.
*Since the world has existed, there has been injustice. But it is one world, the more so as it becomes smaller, more accessible. There is just no question that there is more obligation that those who have should give to those who have nothing.
*When you have nobody you can make a cup of tea for, when nobody needs you, that's when I think life is over.
*If I'm honest I have to tell you I still read fairy-tales and I like them best of all.
*If I get married, I want to be very married.
*For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
*I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.
*I decided, very early on, just to accept life unconditionally; I never expected it to do anything special for me, yet I seemed to accomplish far more than I had ever hoped. Most of the time it just happened to me without my ever seeking it.

Kai buvom vaikai, tai buvo 'privaloma' rinkt įžimybes. Manęs paklausė: 'Ką tu renki?'... Kaip tai ką renku? Kaip tai rinkt įžimybes? Kas tos įžimybės? Nu aš tai klausausi muzikos tokios ir tokios, bet tai kodėl aš dabar turiu rinkt apie tuos atlikėjus kažką? Nu gerai pradėjau ir aš klijuot ant lapų iškarpas, rinkt plakatus, skaityt naujienas, keistis - neįdomu man buvo, bet kadangi visi rinko, tai ir aš laikiausi stiliaus. 

Kodėl Beyonce? Nes pažiūrėjau dokumentinį filmuką apie tai, kaip ji kūrė 'Who run the world?'. Ir viskas. Veržlumas, užsispyrimas įgyvendinti savo viziją, nėra žodžio 'ne'. Dainos kaip dainos, muzika kaip muzika, bet atlikimas, pasirodymai, meilė ir atsidavimas šokiui. Nuo tada man visada įdomu, kokia bus nauja idėja, kaip ji ją atliks, ką parodys pasauliui. Aš jau nekalbu apie energiją, kuri motyvuoja pačią judėt pirmyn. Pasižiūri ir sakai: 'Viskas. Šoksiu'.

Pepė. Keista įvardinti knygos ir animacijos personažą. Keista matyti tame personaže pavyzdį. Bet ji kieta pana! Linksmumas, žaismingumas, kūrybingumas, pozityvumas, nepripažinimas nesėkmės, blevyzgos blevyzgos blevyzgos...

Autoritetai reikalingi tam, kad tikėtumėm, jog įgyvendinti savo planą tikrai galima. Tik reik užsispirti pasirįžt :) 

the hardest feelings

Writing is a part of my way fighting with all the bad, all the wrong, all my fairs and my doubts. It's like a promise to myself. For example, if you want to do something and you tell it to someone you feel more responsible for doing it because that someone will ask: so? and what will be your answer, did you do or did you not? When you write something it's stated, it becomes more real and tangible than just a thought flying in your mind.

I chose a topic that challenges me. I am not only driven by good feelings. Actually, opposite. 

1. The worst feeling is to understand that someone you love with all your heart rejects you. You ask yourself why, how, are you wrong and bad... 

I will never understand how a woman can leave her kid. She caries a miracle in her body for nine moths and then refuses to raise it. I will never understand how a man can leave his child as well. It creates a big complex of being unloved and not appreciated for so long.

I will never understand how someone can pretend to be a true friend when he/she is actually searching for something to gain. Friendship is about support, feed-backs and good-will for each other in any case. We still meet after months and years spent separately and in different directions. We trust, we disappoint, we conflict, we come back saying sorry and we are forgiven, we learn from our mistakes and we don't repeat them because we care not to hurt other's feelings and we enjoy to have fun, to understand jokes, to waste time for friendship that is not really wasting time but having priceless holidays. 

I will never understand a marriage based on everything but love. You do not love so you leave saying 'sorry, I do not love you, I want true love in my life and it is not you, you deserve someone who loves you back.' It should be done as soon as realized. How long do you need to be brave and to understand that you do not love him or her? Waking up near a person that is a stranger to you because you do not feel him/her and you don't know anything about his/her deepest dreams, that person doesn't shine in the morning because of your 'love' and you still acting a joke called marriage - that is a tragedy of life.

2. Letting go.

How to let go? I don't know. My dreams that I did not fulfilled are still in my heart reminding me about things I haven't done. My promises that I missed to keep are stepping on my conscience. The promises that are made for me but never kept are destroying my trust in people. The mistakes I made, the past - it goes away then it turns around and comes back. How to let go of dear people who go away and never turn around to come back? How to let go of adorable moments that you want to keep forever? How to let myself go from somewhere I belong? My answer to this question was found: 'best things always come back'. They do. What is meant to be happens one way or another.
Letting go is never real unless you give up. Yes, there are times you must give up. Give up and let go of everything that is not yours, that doesn't belong in your life. This is not the hardest feeling at all: when you let go of something you don't need you feel relieved. The hardest feeling is to let go of something you cannot survive without, same as you cannot survive without oxygen. 

3. Staying in a comfortable routine of the same and the same and the same.
There is no easy way. Everything what is comfortable is boring and gives you chill, relax but happiness. Routine is something you get used to and you never value the magic of it. You only feel good and proud when you know you tried your best, when you really deserve it. Your efforts in everyday life give you a smile. Why kids are so happy? Because they don't know what is routine. If something is boring they stop doing it or they start creating the opposite way. New and unexplored awakes a little fair of unknown, when you get through this fair you feel happy. How can you settle for something boring when the world invites you to see it? Knowing what, how and when gives us security and sometimes we need it also, but no good sailor ever was trained in a calm sea. I love comfort but if it's for too long I get lazy and after all not happy doing nothing about what I want.  

4. Hope. It is the strongest.
You just hope, you wish, you never know. The power is not in you anymore and all is left is hope. For someone to recover, for success, for having a better tomorrow, for everything in what you've already lost your believes. It is the last straw in the ocean, if you lose hope you just drawn.  

5. Forgiveness. 6. Losing. 7. Jealousy. 8. Guilt. 9. Emptiness. 10. Empathy. 11. Missing. 12. Love.  

The only way is trying to understand all those feelings, when do they come, why do they come, with whom, how do they impact you. All of them are tricky, playing with you and taking the lead. All of them cause the most important actions and decisions of your life. Final move is on you, will you choose to cheat with those feelings or to accept them. Avoiding them doesn't mean you get rid of them, they will come back to you anyway. Accepting them means accepting yourself and trying to figure out what is next, how will you manage, how could you improve and make yourself better, at least a little little better everyday.